I was due any time now so I had spent the day getting things ready. That night I realized I had been so busy I hadn't noticed Molly moving. I laid down and drank a glass of orange juice and tried to feel for her. After an hour I still hadn't felt her. I call my midwife who told me to head to the hospital to get checked. We called Jon's mom to come watch the kids and then headed to Riverton hospital. They took us to a small room and had me give a few urine samples and then lay down. We waited for what seemed like forever. They finally came in and found Molly's heart beat right away. Aww relief. They said before I left they had to take some vitals. It was the. That they saw my blood pressure was high. I had not had high blood pressure at all through my pregnancy so I was shocked. They took it a few times and it was super high. They called the on call dr who said I had to stay and be admitted. They wanted it use cidotec to thin my cervix. I had heard of so many dangers with cidotec that I said no way! I told them to call my midwife. They called her and she thought they were going to send me home and have me come in for my regular scheduled apt the next day. But instead of doing that the dumb dr called me and said I was putting my baby and myself in danger if I didn't stay. I finally decided to let them admit me but I would not let them induce me, just try to bring my blood pressure down. They gave me medicine in an IV as well as an ambien to help me sleep. The blood pressure medicine did nothing. Sometime later (in my mind it was like 15 min later but it had to be more than that) the dr came in and said my blood pressure was so high and the only way to make it better was to deliver the baby. I was scared and unsure what to do so I agreed. I called my doula Suzy, my mom, and my sister in law Leanne. They all came ASAP. The dr broke my water (I found out later that I was at a -2, the chance of delivering vaginaly when you are at a -2 is pretty slim). She told me I had had 3 kids and she was sure I would be able to labor normally an deliver before too long. She also put me on magnisum. That stuff is straight from hell. I felt hot and tired and like I going to explode. They also started pitocin. The contractions started and were pretty strong. The stupid dr told me I needed to stay in bed as much as possible so they could keep an eye on the baby. The whole time I am thinking... I didn't want these dumb machines hooked up to me in the first place. I was up and laboring and doing all the things it had practiced. Things were going great. I was sneaking food (cheese fries) I needed energy! I had my anazing support system there. I was hopeful for a vaginal delivery. The nurse checked me a few hours later... I was a like a 2! It was then that the dr came in and said she wanted to just go ahead a do a c section. Thank goodness for my support system because they were there to tell them I wanted to think about it. I decided I wanted to labor longer. It had only been a few hours. I could do this. The next 22 hours blur together. I can't remember what happend when. I remember that dumb dr left for vacation 2 hours after she suggested a c section, I remember the nurse kept coming in and turning up my pitocin even though I asked her not to because it made Molly's heart rate go crazy, I remember i got a new dr (my friend Julia calls him dr handsome) he told me he would let me labor as long as he felt it was safe, I remember I had to pee a ton. At one point I asked the dr if I could get in the bath. He said sure. At this point it had been about 24 hours, no pain meds and no rest. I got in the bath and the nurse ran in and said Molly's heart rate was bad and I had to get out. I got out and she calmed down so they let me go back in. I asked Jon for a priesthood blessing at this point. When I got out of the tub I just knew it was time for an epidural. I was still only dialated to a 5 and had not progressed in a few hours. I thought if my body could rest it would move along. I got the epidural and send my mom and Leanne home thinking it would be awhile. About 20 min later the dr came in. He said "I told you I would let you labor as long as I felt it was safe for you and the baby, well it is no longer safe. We need to get that baby out." I agreed to to a c section. After being in labor for over 24 hours with no pain meds. The room got all crazy and we called my mom and Leanne and then they wheeled me off. I remember shaking like crazy. They gave me some kind of morphine along with the epidural. I could hardly stay awake. I remember people talking to each other and to me. I fell asleep. I woke up to hear Jon say she was here and he wanted to wait to see her till I could. I told him I could not open my eyes and to just look at her. He said she was gorgeous (well of course she was). The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room and I could hear er crying and everyone saying I needed to feed her. They handed her her to me and I felt like I was slumped over feeding her. Turns out I was holding her as they wheeled me into the recovery room but I don't remember that. Nine months I had prepared for the day Molly was born, but nothing could have prepared me for the birth she actually got. I didn't get any skin to skin contact, heck I don't even remember her being born. I still cry thknkng of it from time to time (I'm crying as I type this) it was my last chance. I'll never know if I am able to birth a baby with out pain meds. I know for some it is hard to understand. Yes I have a healthy baby but I lost something that day. A dream. Sound corny I know. I have a lot of if onlys in my head about that day. I am grateful for my adorable, happy, mommy milk loving baby. 
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